One thing I learned quickly upon this journey called pregnancy is the need to be transparent with other woman. This is such a unique time. It's challenging and exciting and confusing. It's scary and humbling. It's brought me to my knees out of the need for grace and peace. I had kept a small journal, sometimes day to day, sometimes week to week of this pregnancy. I'd open up this page and just type. As you'll read, you'll discover that Kyle and I suffered a miscarriage last Fall, making this pregnancy both exciting and nerve wracking all at the same time. One day I may write about how that occurrence dramatically impacted me. The last three months (well, six actually), were an emotional roller coaster in many ways. But for now, I'm sharing the past few months in hopes that others may feel comforted and encouraged in their experiences as well, no matter what they may be. (And also join me in some laughs and missteps along the way- including the deep cravings for dill pickles!)



December 29th,
Hi Baby,

I found out about you today. I thought I knew that you were forming a few days prior. On Christmas I woke up and just felt it. On Christmas, your great-grandmother passed away, and it took my mind off the fact that I thought you were there. A pregnancy test had me believing it was just my imagination, but just a few days later, you informed me of your presence. I woke up with a few cramps, and my body just felt 'different.' I knew that I knew that I knew.
Yet, I was still surprised.
I was at your grandparents house, but I couldn't wait to confirm my instincts. I went to the drug store, grabbed some tests, and right before my hair appointment, I snuck into the salon bathroom and took the test. Like I said, I just couldn't wait to find out about you. It was positive. Although I thought I knew, I was shocked. Almost couldn't believe it. I sat through my hair appointment, then went had some lunch and shopping plans with your grandma and aunt...all the while knowing and thinking, "is this it? is this real?!"


December 30th,

Hi again,
You are cramping up my abdomen. Your life calls for so much rejoicing after enduring one heck of a Christmas holiday overshadowed by a death. How badly I wanted to tell your aunt and grandma about you. But, I had to wait to tell your daddy first. Guess what? He already knew.


January 1st,

You are constantly on my mind. I wake up and pray you are still there, growing big and healthy and full of life. With every cramp I feel I have a breath of relief that my body is preparing for your body.
Your dad and I hadn't seen one another in four days, so I could hardly wait to tell him. Grandma juju and aunt jessi were at our home for New Year's, so I had to be sly about how I told your dad. I was positive that Grandma Juju already knew (I'm looking forward to having that mom instinct thing with you!) but I kept tight lipped.
Back in October, when we planned on telling our families about your sibling, we had ordered a t-shirt for Maizy (she'll be your best friend), and it said "big sister." I had hidden it under the bed because it wasn't delivered until after we found out that we had lost our first child.
I dug it back out, and put it on Maizy. Your dad just got off a 30 hour shift, so I told him I had a big surprise, led him to the bedroom, and of course, as soon as I opened the door, Maizy went running to him as quickly as possible.
Your dad looked at me, picked me up, swung me around, gave me a big kiss on the lips, then on the belly, and replied, "I knew it!!!" I wish I would have captured his face, but I bet it's similar to the one he'll have when we get to meet you. I hope you have his smile, it's the best.



January 5th,

You are five weeks old today, the size of a appleseed. For such a tiny thing, you are causing quite the commotion. I look like I've received an impractical boob job, my abdomen is bloated and my eyes very, very sleepy. Your sibling didn't do this to me, but baby, you are beginning to make me quite nauseated throughout the day.
Forgive me for not having called the doctor yet, I'm almost still in shock that you are in there. The thought of losing you is real. Very real. I keep praying, "protect this baby, protect this baby," over, and over again. It's all I can do. (That, and nap.)
Pregnancy has proved to the best reminder that I am not in control. You've already humbled me.


January 12th.
Hi you,

Today, you are six weeks old. The size of sweet pea, so they tell me. It feels like my body and your growing body are getting along well, except for some crazy cravings. All of those things that pregnant woman have always spoken about, you, little one, are making them very real for this momma.
This past Wednesday, I slept from 9pm - 7am. I've been craving Arby's roast beef sandwiches, McDonalds french fries and Pho soup. My goodness, do you (I), love some salt. It's easy to blame these off-the-wall cravings on you these days.

There is a small part of me still full of worry this week. Your sibling went to heaven at one week older than you are now, and all I want, more than anything, is for you to stick with me. To grow through this week, to the next, to the next...


January 20th,

Happy 7 weeks!
We made it this far. I'm a little nervous for this week- feelings of bittersweet excitement resonate well right now. However, I also feel a tremendous amount of peace. I know your life is God's and not mine nor your dad's. I read about how this week you are forming 100 brain cells per minute, and I'm astounded. Life is so precious, so remarkable. You are already a little miracle. I never understood just how miraculous each life is until I began to carry one.

On another note, I ate 10 pickles this weekend. I even dreamed about pickles. I'm not sure if you will love them or hate them at this point. I can no longer be trusted to grocery shop responsibility. The cart is full of pickles and potato chips.


January 30th,

Little one,
Your mom is sick as a dog, but I still can't help but smile. Yesterday, we saw your little body, just the size a jelly bean. Aunt Jessi calls you the "little sprout," and it's catching on. You are comfortably hanging out, like you are laying on a hammock in the sun. We saw your heartbeat, and tears starting rolling down our cheeks. I've never seen a picture so beautiful, never heard a sound so beautiful. We recorded your heart beat on our phones and texted it to our families- not a dry eye across the state.
Your dad and I were completely taken back. You really are there!


February 10th,

You are 10 weeks today! I'm realizing more and more that this body is no longer my own. You are in there, getting everything you need, and  my body is changing dramatically. Maybe not dramatically, but it sure feels like it.
We had a little scare today, you and I. Apparently my blood pressure is extremely low, which caused me to pass out (in the nursery at church, of all places!). We spent the morning and afternoon in the ER, getting pumped with fluids and being monitored (and hiding out from your father's coworkers so they wouldn't find out we were pregnant yet). The doctor reassured us that you would be perfectly fine, your momma is just a little high-risk at the moment.

Today was also the day of your great-grandma's funeral. You may have felt my blood pressure rising as I continually told the nurses that we had to be discharged to make it there on time.  I can't remember feeling such relief and sadness is one day. It's a day I never want to relive. I wish you could have met her. It's hard for me to swallow that we found out about you just a few days after her death, I just wanted to tell her about you.


Feb 12th,

Because of our little "incident" on Sunday, your daddy and I got to see you again today. We wanted to make sure you were healthy as can be. We were astonished at how big you have gotten in just two weeks! You are just moving and shaking in there, having a ball. Rolling around, kicking and squirming. You sort of look like a baby T-rex, with the body that is not yet proportionate. It looks like my fainting episode didn't effect you one bit. We are so thankful.


Feb 23rd,

We have made it to officially 12 weeks! It's becoming a bit difficult to hide now, as my my body is showing the evidence that you are there. I can't begin to tell you how amazed we are every time we read about your development - your organs are already formed, all of your fingers and toes, you are even beginning to have hair follicles. It's difficult to comprehend.
We really do have an amazing creator.

Thankfully, that awful nausea has subsided and my energy is climbing. As long as I can work out, I am feeling great. Looks like you really enjoy it too!


March 2nd,

Hooray! We are into the 2nd trimester! I'm hopeful that this will be the best yet!!








3 Comments

  1. How beautiful! Congratulations on completing your first trimester - such an amazing time:-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love your writing Meredith!!! So excited for you and Kyle…have you started to PVR the backyardigans?..lol

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is so, so sweet!! Thanks for sharing such personal sentiments. I completely relate to a lot of your feelings!

    ReplyDelete

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