Last week, I ate catered food everyday, spent each night in a hotel room, lived out of a suitcase and used crappy shampoo (hate crappy shampoo!). I'm quite fond of traveling, even when it is for work - but being home with my family trumps exploring new cities. Especially when it's on the cusp of what I would deem as one of the most difficult seasons of my life.

Believe it or not, this past weekend was the first in almost three months that Kyle and I were home, together, without either of us working. How sad is it that I can't remember the last time we got to sleep in together on a Saturday morning?
I'm allowing myself to have some self pity because truthfully, I'm just tired. No coffee can replace the need for rest that I'm yearning for. I'm not referring to sleep (the hotel bed was quite comfy if I could say so myself), but just rest - waking up without a to-do list a mile long, a day without working  either job, time to sit in my reading nook with hot cinnamon spice tea and slippers, time to just be.
When's the last time you were able to do that? Mine, I cannot currently recall. (That may also be because my brain is a pile of mush.)

I'm wallowing because I finally hit the wall.
I'm wallowing because I feel the guilt from making myself go, go, go only to find myself sitting here desiring anything but.
I'm wallowing because my strength is insufficient, and I know it.
I have no excuses. I do this to myself. I'm a busy body to the core, and obviously, to a fault.

My busy becomes my excuse to not deal.

I'm assured that you have each been here at some point, if not right now, maybe last month or last year. When life becomes one to-do list to the next, with little time left for quality time, when plans have to continually get cancelled because as much as you wish you had the time, you simply don't. When life unexpectedly takes turns you never anticipated and you're left with more questions than answers- those times. The ones I would most categorize as the the times I've lost sight, questioned my faith, battled with the devil. When a busy schedule collides with situations out of your control, and there you stand- helpless. That's where I've been, in the middle of that battleground.

Kyle and I had a long conversation over breakfast at our favorite little cafe on Saturday morning: Where do we stop? What has to give in life to make life more enjoyable, less stressful, and frankly, less exhausting? When will I stopping pushing myself to to the point of failure? Why is it so easy to lose sight? The never ending question- how do we find balance?
We tossed around a lot of scenarios and ideas over pumpkin pancakes and coffee.
But two things were constant: Prayer and rest.

Then came Sunday morning, and I sat in the church pew with my husband by my side. A scene straight out of my dreams these days. And the pastor talked about patience. We both needed to hear it, and truthfully, it stung a little bit.

Two themes repeated throughout the sermon: Prayer and rest.

Okay, then. I think it's pretty clear that God is gently telling me to sit my butt down.
To come to him in prayer because he's waiting. Patiently.



7 Comments

  1. Yeah... we don't get much of that (rest) around here either. My husband doesn't know how to say NO, and I run around picking up all the pieces of our family. That means we are just a couple who runs around constantly putting out fires. No time to rest. It's definitely not the right way to live, but it's all we've got right now. I keep thinking, "Next year it'll get better." So, I'm typing here and wallowing right along side you. ;)

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    1. We have the problem of not saying "no," either, so I can definitely commiserate with that!

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  2. Beautiful post, and one I needed. I feel the same, and when I do rest I feel guilty because there are so many things to do. Life is such a fine balancing act between doing too much and not accomplishing enough. It is hard, but I am convinced there must be seasons of work and rest and play. I hope I have the wisdom to take care of myself in each season so I can run and not be weary, walk and not faint. Or is it run and not faint, walk and not be weary?

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    1. I'm with you on the seasons- just the ebb and flow of life I suppose.
      I think I need to keep repeating this: "...but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
      So yes, it's run and not grow weary ;) .

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  3. Beautiful post, and one I needed. I feel the same, and when I do rest I feel guilty because there are so many things to do. Life is such a fine balancing act between doing too much and not accomplishing enough. It is hard, but I am convinced there must be seasons of work and rest and play. I hope I have the wisdom to take care of myself in each season so I can run and not be weary, walk and not faint. Or is it run and not faint, walk and not be weary?

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  4. Life is so fast paced its sad I have to really dedicate time to spending "quality" moments with my husband. We don't see each other frequently either (damn fellowship) but small things like putting my phone down or really being in the moment when we are together help. I couldn't imagine how the wives who actually see their spouse more than an hour a day do it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder right? Ill just keep telling myself that ha!

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    1. hahaha I just had this conversation with a friend. What will we do when my husband has most weekends off?!! It's like an entire new world would open up. It's funny that I can't relate to people who see their husbands at 5:30 every night and then complain that it's not enough.
      Quality over quantity, right?

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