Last week, I ate catered food everyday, spent each night in a hotel room, lived out of a suitcase and used crappy shampoo (hate crappy shampoo!). I'm quite fond of traveling, even when it is for work - but being home with my family trumps exploring new cities. Especially when it's on the cusp of what I would deem as one of the most difficult seasons of my life.
Believe it or not, this past weekend was the first in almost three months that Kyle and I were home, together, without either of us working. How sad is it that I can't remember the last time we got to sleep in together on a Saturday morning?
I'm allowing myself to have some self pity because truthfully, I'm just tired. No coffee can replace the need for rest that I'm yearning for. I'm not referring to sleep (the hotel bed was quite comfy if I could say so myself), but just rest - waking up without a to-do list a mile long, a day without working either job, time to sit in my reading nook with hot cinnamon spice tea and slippers, time to just be.
When's the last time you were able to do that? Mine, I cannot currently recall. (That may also be because my brain is a pile of mush.)
I'm wallowing because I finally hit the wall.
I'm wallowing because I feel the guilt from making myself go, go, go only to find myself sitting here desiring anything but.
I'm wallowing because my strength is insufficient, and I know it.
I have no excuses. I do this to myself. I'm a busy body to the core, and obviously, to a fault.
My busy becomes my excuse to not deal.
I'm assured that you have each been here at some point, if not right now, maybe last month or last year. When life becomes one to-do list to the next, with little time left for quality time, when plans have to continually get cancelled because as much as you wish you had the time, you simply don't. When life unexpectedly takes turns you never anticipated and you're left with more questions than answers- those times. The ones I would most categorize as the the times I've lost sight, questioned my faith, battled with the devil. When a busy schedule collides with situations out of your control, and there you stand- helpless. That's where I've been, in the middle of that battleground.
Kyle and I had a long conversation over breakfast at our favorite little cafe on Saturday morning: Where do we stop? What has to give in life to make life more enjoyable, less stressful, and frankly, less exhausting? When will I stopping pushing myself to to the point of failure? Why is it so easy to lose sight? The never ending question- how do we find balance?
We tossed around a lot of scenarios and ideas over pumpkin pancakes and coffee.
But two things were constant: Prayer and rest.
Then came Sunday morning, and I sat in the church pew with my husband by my side. A scene straight out of my dreams these days. And the pastor talked about patience. We both needed to hear it, and truthfully, it stung a little bit.
Two themes repeated throughout the sermon: Prayer and rest.
Okay, then. I think it's pretty clear that God is gently telling me to sit my butt down.
To come to him in prayer because he's waiting. Patiently.
We have a saying at my work: "bright shiny thing!"
It's because we are all a tad ADD and Type A personalities. "Bright shiny thing," is the best way to explain my coping technique of hosting the holidays:
I love the holidays. Christmas music playing in the stores, red and green lining the streets, the crisp air giving us hope for a white Christmas, the anticipation of after-dinner Thanksgiving naps, the holiday season flavors at Starbucks. Oh, and let's not forget having an excuse to continually watch one of the best movies ever, Elf.
Everything. I love it. If you see me during the next two months, there is a good chance I'll have a perma-smile just because happiness is in the air. Just makes my heart happy just thinking about the memories we form each year with our family and friends.
This year, we are hosting our first Thanksgiving at our home. Last year, we also had it at our home, but "hosting" may be a stretch. My brother (who happens to be a gourmet cook for fun) brought down every dish and we sat on boxes around our dining room table. We had moved into our home the day before, so you can imagine the mess of trying to find plates and utensils to eat with. I even ended up putting peppermint extract instead of vanilla in our sweet potato casserole, but we ate it anyway (I have a gracious family)! Although a bit chaotic, it's one of our favorite memories.
This year, we have chairs to sit on and a TV to watch, so we are already in better shape :) (I've also purged the kitchen of peppermint extract so there will be no mistake made in the casserole department!)
We love hosting, but for some reason, a big holiday seems different than a baby shower or small dinner party. After putting together a nice google doc outlining the menu and attendees, my anxiety began to creep in a bit. To Pinterest I ran.
Oh but of course, Pinterest doesn't exactly ease tension, it simply provides distraction. Pretty distraction: "bright shiny things!"
I look at the images that come up and think, "we're going to have tons of kids running around, there's no way that decorated table will stay like that longer than 10 minutes." But, then, the (potentially) impractical part of me goes into dream mode and my anxiety about cooking gets replaced by excitement in the details and display of foods. Nevermind the fact that the food needs to be made prior to displaying it.
Cute labels for foods. Chalkboard menus. Adorable baby pumpkins. Fancy Dessert displays. Fun cocktail drinks with pretty typography. and PIE POPS?! BRIGHT SHINY THINGS!!
Thankfully time is limited, so I can't pursue every pinterest-worthy idea. However, I'm confident our stomachs and hearts will be full regardless of if I can pull off finding blue plates just to display baby pumpkins on! (Not exactly saying that is going to stop me from trying ...)
Are you hosting Thanksgiving this year? Any tricks of the trade you would like to share?
I can't believe that this week, we will have been in our home for one year.
Not only is it much colder outside than it was this time last year, but the house looks 100% different than the day we got to call it ours.
I look back and think, "what on earth were we thinking." But, then I look around at our beautiful home and I'm overwhelmed with gratefulness and pride that we did it. It has been quite the journey that felt much longer that it has actually been. We learned quickly that when we put our mind to something, get out the way..
(Maybe I should change that to when I...)
I have never sat down and constructed a complete list of what we have done, so it feels appopriate to make it on the one year anniversary. I had to walk through the entire house and think about what we had done- it seems like a big blur :) I happen to have a very selective memory, so I don't tend to remember how just how stressful or even fun it was, I just look at the end result and think it was worth it. Maybe that's why we have ambitious goals for year 2! Forced ignorance is still bliss people.
- Paint: Every room, every closet, every ceiling
- Installed wood flooring (entryway, kitchen, dining room, living room)
- Installed new carpet (bedrooms, hallway & stairs)
- Retiled half bath and laundry room floors
- Painted kitchen cabinets
- Installed new hardware
- Built and installed a kitchen island
- Replaced countertops
- Installed kitchen backsplash
- Resurfaced entire fireplace
- Replaced light fixtures in kitchen, living room, hallways, all bathrooms and entryway
- Installed recessed lighting in dining room nook
- Renovated the laundry room closet turned entryway nook
- Painted exterior
- Tore out all existing plantbeds
- Planted 60+ new plants & trees
- Installed new exterior lighting and security system
- Installed a gas line in basement for kitchen appliances
- Installed new kitchen appliances
- Clean out, organize and FINISH the basement!
- Complete 1/2 bath: install new vanity and mirror
- Redo our master bathroom
- Re-paint office and construct built-ins
- Paint all baseboards
- Paint sunroom
I think the reason I don't remember all of the stress, was because in the midst of being covered in dust and redoing trim five times- memories were formed. Because most of all, I look at that list and it draws forward all of these memories that I simply treasure.
Eating pizza on the subfloor surrounded by family, having friends visit in scrubs just to help paint a bedroom, late nights of pulling up nails from the old carpet, singing random oldies with my dad while convincing him I could balance on a ladder, installing the baseboards with my sister, celebrating Thanksgiving sitting on the recently-moved, unpacked boxes while we watched football from rabbit-ears we purchased at the only store in town open, attempting to install light fixtures with my sister-in-law, Kyle and I finishing our cabinets, hosting Christmas Eve with our families, the many trips to Lowe's where we became friends with the workers, growing our first garden, making friends with our neighbors, the first fire we built in our fireplace and the first cookout on our patio. The time we were rolling on the floor laughing because nothing seemed to be going right, and we were too tired to care anymore.
If this house has taught us (or reiterated) anything, it's that a house is simply that- wood, cement, drywall, and brick. A simple structure that is only made complete by the people within it. Those people, those relationships, the conversations it fosters and the warmth it gives, that's the list that matters.
Hi All :)
I know I'm a day late (seems to be the trend lately), but I love this week of the month specifically in the blogging world, thanks to Medical Mondays. So, I couldn't let this week slip away from me without stopping in to just wave and say Hello!
If you are in anyway connected to the medical world, link up or blog hop around to meet so many amazing people who blog about this bubble. I always find it encouraging, and I hope that you do too. You can link here.
I always feel pressure to come up with something super interesting or witty in honor of Medical Mondays. But, this week was very timely as I was recently working through organizing pictures from the past few years. And, of course- I came across many from exactly two years ago - aka, Interview Season! I know that many of you may be switching pages from searching the internet or reading this blog in order to book flights for interviews - a feeling that is so fresh and familiar.
I have this distinct memory cemented into my mind of having 18 different tabs opened on my computer screen (I remember counting them in disbelief) as I went between my email, my husbands, every airline website, Google maps, car rental locations and various hotels within walking distance to hospitals. 4 hours later, I had three weeks worth of travel plans set. A perfect representation of the entire 3 months of interview season: chaos, confusion and the great unknown.
That season was the worst game of what-ifs I've ever played.
People gave us all sorts of advice during interview season, some better than others. But, the reality was we were in completely uncharted territory.
With only one and a half years of residency under our belts, interview season looks very different! Of course, it's easy for me to say because we are set in our place for residency. But, that feeling of uncertainty doesn't find itself too far removed. After all, in a few short years we will be repeating this glorious process for fellowship. ( <---- does this ever end?!)
If you are finding yourself deep in the trenches of interview season (or any big decision in life!), as the spouse, here's what I'd suggest to help ease the chaos and confusion that ensues:
Research, but don't obsess.
I'll openly admit that I spent way too much time on zillow.com. If a house was on the market in a town that we ranked, I knew about it. Seriously. Looking back, I think it was the one thing I could be prepared for, so I was (that planner in me!). I was a little obsessed with planning what I could, just trying to control something in a situation where control was completely out of our hands.
It is, however, necessary to research things such as the cost of living, locations, job opportunities, education opportunities, etc. The last thing you want is to not have a clue where you are moving to, only to discover there is little there for you. Kyle interviewed at one location (to be left nameless) and every person was married, had children and not one spouse worked. Partly it was the culture, but partly it was that there was no opportunity for people outside of the hospital. He liked the program, but it was obvious that it would be a challenge for me to thrive there.
If you are able, jump on the plane with your spouse and head to the interview. You'll most likely end up walking around a city by yourself a day, but you will start to get a feel for the area and culture. Better yet, you could network with potential employers or connect with old friends. Meet people who live there and ask them questions. Some of our favorite memories are the nights after interviews, sitting in a random restaurant in a new city, just taking it in and chatting about the future.
Ask Questions. A lot of questions.
As the spouse, things look a lot different for you than for your other half. Residency can be (and sometimes is) all-consuming, but programs vary across the country - drastically. Get an idea of what you're getting into at each location.
Does the program have a spouse/SO/family support group or network?
What benefits does the program offer? (Educational credits, cost of health care, extended sick leave, retirement packages, etc)
How far are the locations from grandma's house or your favorite vacation spot?
What is the cost of living? Can you afford rent and still eat?
What's the culture like? In the hospital and town.
What's the call schedule? At home or in-house? (<--- this makes a huge difference!)
Does the program seem to support healthy families and marriages? (This tends to be obvious within a few conversations with current residents)
Are there required meetings each week or month? (Trust me, with how much time your spouse/SO spends in the hospital, it's like twisting the knife to have them be there extra time for meetings! Is it obvious that this grinds my gears ;)
Is the resident required to do research? What does that actually mean? What's the time commitment, what are the research opportunities, is there time set aside for it, etc?
How much vacation time do they give residents each year?
Most of all, trust each other and communicate openly about your excitements and fears. There's no denying this a pivotal time and a lot of change is ahead. The best part? You're in it together!
Anyone else have advice for 4th years? I know I barely scratched the surface.
Happy Medical Mondays Week :)
We've had a lot going on, in every facet of life. You name it, we could probably check it off the list. I'm ready for the calming winds to come. For the holiday season, to spend evenings around the table with loved ones, and relax by the fire at night. No big agenda or plans every evening- just settling in. Even better- to be at our own home for one whole weekend. An entire TWO days! It's going to be glorious. Simply glorious. Although it caused me to miss Castle due to falling asleep the couch each Monday, I'm so thankful for these crazy months.
In the mist of finally peaking my head up and getting a breathe of fresh air, I'm popping in today to share another recent photo shoot and give you some visual candy for your Monday afternoon. Sure, photo shoots may have been one of the culprits for keeping me on my toes over the past few months, but I can't complain when I get to have so many amazing clients! Thankful Day #4: That people trust me to document some of life's richest moments. It's humbling and exhilarating- this job pretty much rocks my socks off :)
Hope everyone had a great weekend! Looking forward to blogging more regularly very soon :)