A few months ago, I had put together a post of the 6 most commonly asked questions about residency life- in celebration of completing 6 months of residency! It seemed to resonate with a lot of readers and sparked some great conversation. Before we started residency and when I launched this blog, I knew I wanted it to be more than just random writings and pictures. I wanted to be engaged in a community of people and be a place of encouragement and support (of course, with a big dose of humor and randomness!)
This idea has become a bit more clear has time has passed.
In an effort to keep this little torch going (although it seems like it has gone out over the past few months!), I'm introducing a series:

The whole idea behind this is to:
- encourage others
- learn from others experiences
- inform people
- be honest
Why is it named "FORUM?" Well, there's going to be little learning if I'm the only one participating. I'm not an expert on the medical life. We have four years of medical school and one year of residency (almost!) under the belt. In my opinion, the more input from others, the better. If I've learned anything from residency, it's that we can't (and don't want) to go through it alone. So please feel free to comment, share and give input. It's valued! (And I promise it will be much more interesting, who wants to hear my ramblings all day? ;)
I'm really excited about the conversations that we'll have in the upcoming months about certain topics! My hope is that it can promote healthy conversations and encourage others, not only as people in the medical profession, but anyone who can relate (I'm positive the majority of people can in one way or another)
Hopefully this gives anyone who can relate a small voice.
All that being said, let's roll out post #2:
I've been collecting responses for the past few weeks about the biggest misconceptions that people face as residents, spouses and families. Keeping with the original post, all answers are anonymous. I should also say that all answers below are from women's perspectives, whose husbands, fiances and boyfriends are medical residents.
Next up on the conveyer belt:

The TOP 5:
1) We are rich.
2) Wives don't work or have a career.
3) "I am exaggerating when I say he works a lot"
4) The amount of time invested
5) "Your life must stink!"
1) We are rich
(This was overwhelming the most common answer.)
- Residents make a decent, livable wage--I am incredibly grateful for that. Residents are, however, definitely not rich and most carry a significant financial debt as a result of undergraduate studies and Medical School. Most of us are pretty much middle class families with a monthly budget just like everyone else!
- Residents are not fellows, attendings or doctors in a private practice. When people think of "doctors" this is what they think of, which is typically followed by countless dollar signs. Residents are doctors in training and the only dollar signs following their name would be in RED from the debt they most likely accrued during medical school!
- I work with people who are actually rich, as in bring home millions a year and think it's a bad payday, so no, that's not us. Residents are mostly paid by medicare (aka the federal government) and make pretty much the same amount of money no matter where your training is in the country (with the exception of certain programs giving small bonuses, etc). If you want to get specific, relative to the majority of people in the world, yes we are all very rich. Relative to a doctors salary (as in has already completed residency + fellowship), it's minimal.
- I think for me, one of the biggest misconceptions people think is that since I married a doctor, therefore we have lots of money already. Little do they know we have more debt racked up than them because of his schooling and constant test taking that he has to do! You try explaining it to them, but most people don't truly understand all the money that goes into the schooling aspect and how long you actually have to be working to see that fruition.
2) Wives don't work or have a career
....and pandoras box just opened...
- I had someone ask me a few months ago what my husband does. When I said he was a Urology resident, he actually said to me "oh! so you probably just stay home eating bon bons then?" You've got to learn to take comments like these in stride and find polite ways to respond. I recognize that every woman is different, and some women find great pleasure in being a homemaker and some families can financially afford this scenario. I do find it frustrating that some people assume because my husband is a physician that I must not be educated or desire my own career and that I couldn't possibly be the "bread winner" in the home.
- Even though I am educated, sometimes I feel like it is not respected due to my husband being
more educated. "Why worry about your career?", "You don't have to work," 'Oh, you're taken care of," are the constant mentalities that I encounter. My boss has even made these comments to me. Sometimes I find it difficult to stand on my own two feet and say I have a great job, because it seems minimal and almost silly to people, since they are comparing me to what they perceive my husbands to be.
- "you are a surgeon's wife! You're set!" "why are you worrying about your career your husband is a DOCTOR!"
- This is a continual struggle for people to understand or recognize. Whether I want a career inside or outside of the home isn't necessarily the point. They should both be respected and both are typically not. It's the "you don't
need a career," or the "of course she doesn't work, she's a doctors wife," comments.
{SPOILER ALERT! *This topic alone sparked a HUGE conversation. Women + careers is one of my favorite topics, especially in light of the husband having a very demanding one. This topic alone is next up in the series and will surely prompt multiple posts :) If you have any insight, questions or particular stories, please email me or comment. I would love your read your opinions & I know others would too}
3) The amount of work
- None of the surgery wives are exaggerating when they say their husbands work 80 hours per week. I admit, when I heard significant others of residents say this before my husband was a resident, I thought they were exaggerating. How wrong I was!
- People assume that I'm lying when I say he works 80+ hours a week. I wish I could say that wasn't true!
- Unfortunately, I find myself getting annoyed at people who complain that they worked more than 40 hrs in a week. I know it's wrong, because they probably did work hard and that was a lot for them, but my sympathy levels have severely dropped for the complaints. I never realized how MUCH 80+ hours would actually be. It truly changes your life and your spouses. What I would give for him to work 50 hrs!
4) Overall time investment
- Sometimes I think that people just think that my husband rolled out of bed one day and boom!, he became a doctor. Although people know you have to go to medical school, they aren't aware of the years and years of training after that. They simply assume that if you graduate medical school, so you must be rich and play a lot of golf.
- I don't think people realize (and I sure didn't before) how long of a road it is for my husband to complete his training. With 4 years of medical school and almost a year of residency under his belt, he will have 6 more years of residency plus 2-3 more years of fellowship before he will settle in his career as a surgeon. Combining undergrad, medical school, residency and fellowship - that's 17-18 years of education and training he will have completed before he starts his "real" job.
- There is a huge opportunity cost in the medical field that people rarely factor in. Not only financial, but time. Although the two can be closely connected, the time investment is astronomical too! Not only is your spouse working unhealthy hours, it is for LONG periods of time- years and years and years. The "real job" doesn't begin until your early or mid 30's (assuming they went to medical school right out of undergrad), which brings to question major life choices like when to have children, move, buy a house, etc.
5) "Your life must stink!"
- There's no doubt that keeping and growing a healthy marriage is challenging. The long hours, limited energy, and life responsibilities - you're trying to juggle it all. It takes a tremendous amount of effort that can sometimes seem futile and it can get exhausting- fast. I think our society is so used to people just walking away or giving up when push comes to shove, people sometimes assume that's what should happen. I tend to get more fed up with the "oh yeah, my best friends cousins cousins
was married to a doctor..." The best thing I could tell someone would be to encourage couples rather than share the unfortunate stories, we all know there are many.
- This is one of two reactions that people have when they ask what your husband does, the other is a wide eyed smile reflecting the fact that they think they just met a millionaire. The other, a look of pity and "oh, hows that going for you," that says they have some knowledge of the time & effort it requires. 9 times out of 10, it is followed by the "how often do you see eachother," question. I can't blame people for asking, but I can for assuming that life must be horrible. Each couple is different and finds the ebb and flow eventually - don't assume that our life is miserable.
- I wish I could tell you how many stories I've heard about affairs and failed marriages, but it would take a novel! Yes, that happens and it is very sad and unfortunate. Trust me, I understand the stress that comes with being married to a doctor. However, that doesn't mean my husband is cheating. Even to joke about it disrespects me, my husband and our marriage. I can't say I'm fond of those conversations, and typically walk away more annoyed!
What do you think?
What's the biggest misconception that you encounter?
Did you use to make these same assumptions? I know I did.