I had a small epiphany a while ago. Something I've been sitting on for quite a few months. Something to mildly rejoice about, maybe even give a big high five to getting older and wiser.
What was it? I don't care.
That was it, plain and simple. I'm totally imperfect and I don't care.

I was standing in HomeGoods a few months ago, perusing through the lovey vases, and a woman next to me was on her phone. She was chatting about a dog, who I had heard barking from her car in the parking lot. She hung up her phone, looked up me, and I smiled. Within 20 seconds, I discovered that her son was recently killed, the fiance didn't want the dog, her apartment doesn't allow dogs, so now she has a dog and has to find a new home because she can't give up the one thing she still has of her son. Within 20 seconds. I learned two things 1) This woman is completely heartbroken and has gone through tremendous hurt and 2) People just want to be real. They want honest, raw people just listen to them.

Why am I telling you this?
That woman wasn't about saving face. She needed a shoulder and a person to listen. Perfect or not.

I found that my heart and mindset have begun to change. There's been situations that have come up where I realize my responses never filter through the "save face," mindset. There has been a shift from not wanting to share certain things in fear of people judging me, to desiring to share because I knew that others could relate. The "Hey, I don' t have it all together," shout-from-the-rooftop kinda feeling!

So what if our laundry room is full of dirty clothes, I haven't had time to cook in a week, I feel guilty for working in the evenings when Kyle is actually home, I'm struggling with reading the Bible everyday, I don't feel 'in shape', or I'm having a hard time making major life decisions. This is life! Whew. Try it, isn't it a great feeling?!

The worst thing I could do as a Christian, a wife, a woman, a daughter and friend, is to sugar coat life to make it look like a character in a Disney movie, prince charming and all. The question creeps into my mind multiple times per week, why is it so hard to be transparent? This world is full of everything fake and superficial, it's no wonder people flock and respond to honesty. I think we desire it.

So, I'm going to practice what I preach. There's no sense in saying I'm perfectly okay with being imperfect & transparent only to end with a period and no evidence of such. It can be scary to be raw, but I've truly come to believe that we are meant to be. This is me peeing my pants in public and simply being honest with things I may or may not have ever shared with you. What a relief (no pun intended.)


1) Kyle and I do have a very happy marriage. Sometimes I feels so blessed I can't stop smiling at what we've been given in one another. But, that's not constant, I even told him he was being a jerk the other day (at which I felt quite guilty). We are NOT PERFECT. We have so many things to work on, mostly starting with ourselves. There's not a chance we would be where we are now without the Lord. Not a chance.


2) I've struggled with my weight and body image in one way or another the majority of my teen and adult life.


3) I'm cheap, but only with the things I hate to pay for. Sounds silly? I hate paying for car repairs, but will happily spend the same amount on a purse or shoes. Yeah I know, that doesn't add up. I like to say I'm cheap, but Kyle likes to remind me of this little point above. 


4) I often feel judged when people know that my parents are divorced, and have been since I was in 2nd grade. It's all I've really ever known, yet I find that some people immediately assume that is what will happen to me.  It's written all over their face. I get fiercely defensive of my marriage because of this. I also have a soft spot in my heart for friends and family who have gone through divorce, either as a bystander or participant. I feel my heart break each time I hear of it happening. 


5) Within the past five years, I've become a bit dyslexic. You may laugh, but it's actually true. It's very strange, but sometimes I blend my words together, spell things wrong and do not notice, and also get stumped on certain words. The doctor said it's because my mouth cannot work faster than my mind, so things get jumbled together and it's hard for me to slow down to work it out. I have no idea if that is true (and the doc wasn't Kyle, promise:), but I do find myself having to check things more often and more intentionally, something I never had to do before.



Whew. Maybe that wasn't as deep as you wanted me to get. But we'll leave it there for this Monday afternoon.

xoxoxooxox



7 Comments

  1. Happy Monday. I loved it. Thanks for being real.

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  2. Girl, my parents divorced when I was 4 years old and then remarried, and then my dad got divorced when I was 19. He's had three wives, four fiances, and I have never felt like people would judge me for that. I worry about it, will I be a cheater like him? Will I be an emotional abuser? Should I have a pre-nup?

    In the end you have to accept that despite all the comparisons "You got your mother's eyes." "You got your dad's good financial sense." that we are our OWN people - unique and in complete control of our OWN actions.

    Ef what other people think, you know the amazing love you have and love is all you need :)

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    Replies
    1. Dealing with parental issues can be very tough, but nobody is perfect. The older I get, the more I appreciate and understand my own & other people's mistakes (or learn to just let go of them) I love my parents & we have great relationships, and somehow their experiences have given me more sensitivity to others.
      You're so right, in the end, it's about our choices and the family we are forming together - a huge blessing :)!!

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  3. Love it Meredith!

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  4. Thanks for the honest post :)
    I know what you mean with #3. I feel the same way.

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  5. Amen! The unvarnished, raw, honest truth is freeing.

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  6. I'm catching up on reading posts (so I'm totally late on commenting on this one), but I have to tell you how much I love this post! Nick and I were just talking about people being honest/real the other day and how refreshing it is when someone actually tells you the truth about something, rather than sugarcoating it to seem perfect.

    This is something I struggle with so much when it comes to blogging. I want/kind of need a place where I can just talk about life openly, but there are so many 'perfect' seeming blogs out there that I've yet to write anything real on mine. I've started so many times and just haven't put up the posts.

    #2 is so true for me. I started struggling with body image in 6th or 7th grade and I honestly can't think of a day since then that it hasn't remained a struggle.

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