It seems ever since we made the move to Michigan, it's been a waiting game.
For work.
For a house.
For an easier schedule.
For friends.
For a church home.
For A2 to feel like home.

I wrote about it a bit here: Lessons In the In-Between. However, I didn't write specifically about an entire other aspect, one I have deemed "the cycle of disillusionment" 

Allow me to be a bit vulnerable for a minute, or two.

I quickly realized that it was awfully easy to idolize the waiting period. To dwell on the when, why, or how of every situation. The moment when my computer told me the most visited sites were real estate and jobs, I felt the heaviness of where my heart was. Now, I'm certainly not saying that searching for those things is bad. What I am saying, at least for me, is that it became an idol in my heart and mind.
It consumed my time, my thoughts, conversations and prayer life.

I became disillusioned. 

It was more than being preoccupied with things that maybe I couldn't control, I was also believing the lies that satan told me. Thus, I'd question the Lord's goodness and faithfulness (Psalm 34).
In unforeseen circumstances, have your thoughts wandered here? Mine certainly have.
I'd be stuck at home all day. My business wouldn't succeed. We'd be stuck living out of boxes forever. We'd never find a place of our own. God didn't want us to. We'll never find a church like the one we had in Charlottesville. God wants punish us for something. Was moving from C'ville the wrong decision? 

The cycle continues..

Essentially, I began to question what WE HAD BEEN BLESSED WITH!
Sure, I miss Charlottesville so incredibly much that sometimes I get teary eyed thinking about it, but I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW we are suppose to be HERE. I also know that being in Michigan is a COMPLETE answer to our prayers.

But isn't that what happens when things don't go our way? We question absolutely everything, even the things that we prayed diligently for. When we do, we begin to idolize the things that hold no eternal value, we begin to doubt, we become unsatisfied, frustrated and angry. I was beginning to feel each of these on different levels. Little by little, I could feel the doubt rising as the lies invaded.

And the cycle continues...

I was out running the other day, thinking about this whole kit & caboodle picture. I was soaking up the crisp air, as the bright orange leaves fell from the trees around me, and I took a very, very deep breath.
I gave up.
It was a moment forever engrained in my mind as that one moment when I quit. Instead of praying for the specific house that we recently put an offer on, I remember thinking, "no, I'm not going to pray for that house. I'm going to ask for whatever God wants for us. HIS will, HIS plan. Not ours." I admit that I've thought that many times before, but this time, in my heart of hearts, I never meant it more.
The anxiety that once enveloped my heart was a mire remnant compared to the peace that overtook it. I truly just didn't (and don't) want something that isn't of God. That goes for a house, a career, our family, our future. Simple as that.

Cycle ends.

I'm not going to tell you that the last six months have been a cake walk (duh), nor would I say it's been the hardest time in my life. I will say that what it has taught me, where it has brought me, far surpasses the seemingly important complaints of the noisy neighbors or limited kitchen space.
The anxiety that I once held seems far away. I'm positive that this cycle will return with another face or name; maybe tomorrow or maybe in ten years...and that's okay. That is life, and it is the power of Christ to conquer it.
This move has been a long transition, one that is far from over. I'm okay with that.
Better than okay, I desire it. Why? Because I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOW, God's plan is so MUCH greater.
For me, for you.







3 Comments

  1. Love, love, love this entry Meredith....it's so right on:)

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  2. Meredith, I just found your blog and this post was such an encouragement to me. My husband is a MS4 and we're currently waiting for match day to come. Although I've been cool as a cucumber for most of this process, the past few weeks I have felt the anxiety and "what-ifs" creeping up on me. My internet searches also include jobs, homes, etc., in all the potential locations. Sometimes it's hard to remember that God is in control and that all things will work together for His glory when we are in the midst of so many changes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's so nice to know that other people have gotten through this, too!

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    Replies
    1. Hi Amy! I definitely remember the days leading up to Match Day, so full of excitement and anxiety and all of the "what ifs" running through your mind. Exactly like you said, always remember that ultimately God is in control and HIS best is waiting for you. Excited to hear where you end up!!

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